Become More Self-Confident
By Garrett Coan
Signs of Self-Confidence
Let’s explore the meaning of self-confidence by taking a quiz. Read the
list of statements below and check which ones, in your opinion, are signs of
self-confidence.
1. Admitting when you are wrong.
2. Being flexible when change is needed.
3. Talking about your accomplishments.
4. Describing negative events in positive terms. For example, “We didn’t
make our target, but we sure learned a lot.”
5. Dressing to please yourself without worrying what others will think.
6. Using a strong handshake.
7. Using casual language in an effort to avoid sounding too “corporate.”
For example, “You guys did a cool thing.”
8. Speaking very fast.
9. Smiling often.
10. Learning new skills.
11. Putting yourself down in order to sound humble.
Compare your answers to those on the bottom of page three under “Quiz
#1.”
Low Self-Confidence
Part of defining self-confidence is thinking about what low
self-confidence is, what it looks and sounds like. Test yourself now. Circle
the statements that convey a lack of self-confidence.
1. “I may be wrong, but I think the answer is ten.”
2. “Thank you for the compliment. We’re very proud of our work.”
3. “That was really stupid of me.”
4. “I forgot my business cards. I left them in the car.”
5. (Responding to a compliment) “Oh, I’ve had this dress for ten years.”
6. “I would have gotten into the program, but they don’t like to take
people with my background.”
7. “That sounds like a challenge. I’m sure we can figure out how to solve
it, though.”
8. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I wonder if I could have a minute of your
time.”
Compare your answers to those listed at the bottom of page three under
“Quiz #2.”
Where Does Self-Confidence Come From?
Self-confidence is not something people are born with. It results from a
combination of factors:
1. Learned skill: Self-confidence is a combination of skills, not just a
single quality. People are not born with it or without it. It can be
learned.
2. Practice: Self-confidence comes from practice. It may appear to be
spontaneous, but it isn’t.
3. Internal locus of control: Self-confidence results from what
psychologists call an internal locus (central point) of control. This means
that people who are self-directing, who accept responsibility for their own
results, have greater self-confidence.
8 Self-Confidence Builders
There are many concrete, specific things you can do to feel more
confident in challenging life situations. Make note of those that will help
you develop your own sense of self-confidence.
1. Follow your strengths. Self-confidence comes from being the best “you”
possible. It doesn’t come from trying to be someone else. It is the result
of following paths like these:
• Do what comes naturally.
• Develop your talents.
• Follow your convictions.
• Express your own style.
2. Plan ahead. Many people are surprised to hear that self-confidence
comes from something as ordinary as planning. But think about it; let’s say
you are going on a job interview, almost always an anxiety-producing
experience. When you are prepared, you feel more confident.
3. Take action. Confidence comes from taking action. Break your challenge
down into small steps and take that first step, no matter how small it
seems.
4. Study. The more you know about your subject, the more confident you
will feel. In fact, the lack of self-confidence almost always stems from a
lack of information. We’ve all had that sick feeling that we don’t fully
understand what we are talking about.
5. Act the part. The following tips will help you begin to present
yourself in a positive way.
• Find a role model. Look for someone who is already successful in your
field. Observe him or her and identify for yourself what behaviors convey
self-confidence.
• Look and act powerful. Watch people who create a powerful impression.
It could be a TV anchor, a character in a movie, or a coworker. Imagine
yourself behaving in a similar way. For an example, watch the movie Top Hat.
Fred Astaire exudes confidence.
• Be aware of nonverbal behavior that detracts from presenting yourself
with confidence. Ask for feedback from a trusted friend or watch yourself on
videotape.
6. Rehearse for success. One of the most important ways to boost your
self-confidence is by rehearsing important conversations and presentations.
You can never be too prepared. These ideas will help you practice so that
you really understand your subject:
• Manage your anxiety. Feeling anxious is normal when you are in a
challenging situation. The key is learning to manage anxiety so it doesn’t
paralyze you or diminish your effectiveness.
• Get organized. When your materials are prepared and well-organized, you
will feel better about your ability to access them. Having information
scattered in too many places makes you feel out of control and undermines
your self-confidence.
7. Persist. Self-confidence is the result of a lot of hard work. The
process takes time. It has been said that success is 99% persistence and 1%
talent.
8. Enjoy your success. When you reach your goal, don’t forget to give
yourself credit for working hard. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Here
are some ways you can do this:
• Look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Good work. I’m proud of you.”
• Think of a way to reward yourself.
• Tell others about your success.
• Write yourself a letter or explore your accomplishment in your journal.
• Draw a picture expressing your achievement.
Answers to Quiz #1
Items 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, and 10 are generally signs of self-confidence.
The others could be seen as self-sabotaging behaviors.
Answers to Quiz #2
Items 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 8 communicate low self-confidence. (Of course,
there are no 100% right answers, since many of the statements depend on
context, tone of voice, cultural interpretation, and other factors.)
Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His
two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who
reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and
Manhattan. Garrett also offers online and telephone coaching and counseling
services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through
http://www.creativecounselors.com or at 201-303-4303.
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