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How Do You Build Self-Confidence?
By Skye Thomas
Years ago while running an at-home daycare, I came to realize that we're
all born with an innate sense of self-confidence. Every single child under
the age of five that I have ever observed has had a strong self-confidence
in at least one area of their life. Most kids had confidence in all areas of
their lives. It seems to me that they systematically lose that confidence
and it's replaced by an inner critic. Quite often it's the child's home
life, but sometimes it's the schools, neighborhood kids, extended family, or
some other person who unknowingly destroys the child's belief in themselves.
Children have to be told they aren't good enough, strong enough, smart
enough, talented enough to accomplish whatever it is they're trying to do.
Unfortunately, most of us are told exactly that. So, how do we rebuild that
sense of self-confidence?
The first thing I want you to do is to imagine that you had an ideal
loving emotionally supportive childhood. Think about what kind of person you
would have been if you had been raised to believe in yourself and in your
natural gifts and talents. What were those gifts and talents? What were you
really good at? What kinds of activities came easy for you? Now write down a
list of talents, traits, attributes, and gifts that you loved and probably
excelled at before you were convinced that you weren't any good at them.
Choose items from that list for the next step.
Self-confidence is broken a piece at a time. So you're going to rebuild
it a piece at a time. Pick things from your list and plan out tiny baby
steps. Were you meant to be a great artist? Then start out by doodling. Just
start carrying a pencil and paper around with you and allow yourself to
absentmindedly doodle little pictures. Eventually, allow the passion to find
it's way through you and you will begin to draw bigger and better, adding
paints or whatever medium you were always meant to use. Were you supposed to
be a musician? Then start humming little tunes in your head, begin playing
around with an instrument. If it's possible, carry an instrument around with
you and whenever you're bored or have some downtime, just sit and
absentmindedly allow your fingers to play with it until the music within you
begins calling to you again. Whatever the thing, pick something from your
list and begin to play with it without paying a lot of attention to being
perfect or talented or anything else. Just hold the tools and space out
awhile so that you can get out of your own self-consciousness and just play
with the tools. Nobody has to know if you don't want them to.
Repeat this process as much as you can. Keep picking up pieces of
yourself on that list and adding them back into your sense of self. Don't
wait until you've become really good at the first new skill before picking
up another one. Just play with each item on your list as the mood crosses
you. There's no need to beat yourself up for not being super talented
because in reality all you are doing is simply playing with toys that remind
you of your childhood. Allow your inner child, inner teenager, inner artist,
inner musician to simply play. Eventually, you will come to realize one day
that you do have natural gifts and talents and that will go a long way
towards building your self-confidence.
That's all good and well if your confidence problems center around
skills, but what if your lack of self-confidence happens to be in the
interpersonal relationships area? Are you painfully shy? Too afraid of
rejection to even reach out to connect with others? Do you beat yourself up
for not looking just so? Depending on the severity of your self-sabotaging
belief system, you may want to get a professional therapist to help you with
this. If it's not too bad, but you have less self esteem then you would like
to have, then ask someone that you trust to help you with this part. Ask
your friend to point out examples of other people who look or act like you.
For example, if you think you're fat and everyone says you're not, then have
your friend point out to you other people who are built like you. Have them
compare your figure to someone famous. Chances are they won't say Orson
Wells! Few people are really horribly fat. Eventually, it'll sink in that
you are not really as fat as you think you are. If you're really worried
that people will think you're stupid or dull when they first meet you, then
have your friend rehearse with you so that you can feel comfortable making
small talk with new people.
What if through practicing a new skill or through working on social
skills and your personal image with a friend, you find out that you need to
actually work on something? Maybe you do have a few pounds to lose. Maybe
you need singing lessons. Okay, so be it. That's not a reason to quit moving
forward with building upon your fragile new sense of confidence. Just go get
the help, the lessons, the workout routine, the coaching or whatever else it
is that you need to continue moving forward. There will always be teachers
and coaches of some sort because there will always be people reaching beyond
where they already are. The only problem with a low self-confidence is that
we stop giving ourselves permission to learn new things. The fact that we
don't know how to be or do everything perfectly is not a good reason to lose
confidence in ourselves. As long as you can play at new things and can
learn, then you are able to improve and grow. At some point, turn around and
look at how far you have come. Pride will show itself.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge
About The Author
Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in
inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of
studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation,
and parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and
faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of
high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home
in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free
weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to
www.TomorrowsEdge.net.
Skye@TomorrowsEdge.net
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